I’m going to apologize in advance for not having a rich husband who purchased his house in San Francisco and pays all the bills and gives me money while i go gallivanting around the city at will. Clearly i don’t understand that Money > Happiness, and that money can buy happiness if i really need it to.
An email i received today (sent to four people, total):
I think you three should seriously consider moving in together. I know you all very well and while you each can be very bitchy, for the most part, you guys are pretty easy to get along with and I actually think your personalities mesh quite well together.
[Section specific to me] I know you are tired of moving, but you’re totally getting ripped off at that dive. You could spend the same amount (maybe even less) and get so much more in return.
Here’s my sales pitch: you can spend 700-900 bucks a month sharing a crappy apartment with gross carpeting with some weirdo roomie you don’t even like and risk parking your car on crack row OR you can spend the same or possibly save some money and get more bang for your buck.
[Followed by 16 links to craigslist ads]
Note, guys: if you ever want to boost my self-esteem, don’t send emails like this.
You telling me that you’re going to squeeze your fat ass out a 20th floor window because you’re sad and drinking alone at a bar, then not answering the phone when i call you worried that you’re going to do something stupid—not ironic, humorous, or ironically humorous.
Me telling you that you shouldn’t get attached to me because i’m not a good person and i’ll ultimately break your heart, then me getting attached to you and you breaking my heart because you’re not a good person—ironic, humorous, and ironically humorous.
“i’ve pretty much decided that people on yelp have no idea what they’re talking about. i mean, look at every fifth random person you pass on the street this afternoon, and ask yourself if you’d take their advice on where to get your hair cut.”—Brian
“I guess the best way to describe me is I’m unique, which everybody is so then now you can question is that really being unique? Hehe well continuing on, I would say I’m a seasonal hobby person, meaning I would do gaming, music, reading, sports, martial arts, etc. seasonally based on my mood of interest. I suppose I could be a lively person but most times I choose to stay quiet and observe then join in when the time is right. I’m friendly and always eager to help, sadly because I’m too generous and “no” is actually really hard to say. At any case, that was brief and simple. To really KNOW someone better than just reading about them, gotta chill with them in the end haha so want to know me more, just call me up!”—from my nephew’s facebook page under his biography section
I’m writing this on the train because i need to be doing something to keep my mind off Boy.
As a kid i got carsick a fair amount on roadtrips. What this led to was me riding shotgun as the only way to calm my stomach. Lucky kid not having to ride in the backseat. But it also came with many remedies to try to settle me, none of which worked. There was soda, solid food, sleeping didn’t work, and the one i find most interesting: chewing gum.
I didn’t understand how chewing gum helped to settle a stomach and i still don’t. I was given a stick of gum and instructed to chew the hell out of it. Smack and make noise and chew with my mouth open. I can’t do that. I physically can’t chew with my mouth open without a moderate amount of effort. The car rides would have silence broken by people instructing me to chew—except that i was chewing, just with my mouth closed like a civilized human being.
I’ve attempted to mimic others’ mouth-agape methods, always met with embarrassment and failure. To think about chewing is to think about breathing. I breathe slowly and take deep breaths whereas most people have shallower quicker breaths. Some people chew with their mouths open, perhaps not by habit but by nature. You can control it to an extent, but you will always revert back to how your body naturally behaves. To think constantly about the way you chew is, in a word, exhausting. Moving on with your meal, cutting meats, shoveling good into your maw, you lose sight of what you were trying to do. You catch yourself and chew differently until the next time you’re distracted and again realize you’ve reverted.
Maybe i’m full of shit and people can be trained to chew with their mouths closed. Maybe it’s more like handedness—you can be taught to use your right hand but you will always be left handed—you can be taught to chew with your mouth closed but you will always be a mouth-agaper. I can only masquerade as a mouth-agaper, never to be a true one.