- Phuong: I actually saw Dave Grohl in Ventura.
- Roommate Steve: [blank stare]
- Phuong: Foo Fighters?
- Roommate Steve: [blank stare] Well, i know Ventura...
Kanye West (via david)
This is the same kind of sad unfunny pun i would make.
- Bartender: What's your last name?
- Me: M-A-I.
- Bartender: I like how you spell it out for me like i'm stupid. [Goes to fish for my credit card.]
- Me: Well, it's not easy for some people. Some people say "Mai" and some say "May". It's not that hard.
- Bartender: Yeah, i get what you mean. It's not that hard. [Finds my credit card and looks at my name.] There it is; you were spot on: M-A-I.
- Me: Yep.
- Bartender: [Looks at the card again.] How the hell do you say your first name?
I woke up to find Tara Reid had barfed on my pillow next to my head.
Tara Reid hissed at me when I took away her mouse toy.
Tara Reid has mange. Again.
I forgot to take Tara Reid in for her shots.
Tara Reid is in heat again and keeps making the most irritating whining noises.
Tara Reid marked her territory on my new suede couch.
Tara Reid clawed up my arm when I tried to kick her out of the bedroom.
While I was at work Tara Reid ate an entire bag of cat food.
Tara Reid has been licking herself in front of company.
I think Tara Reid has mated with half the toms in the neighborhood.
Tara Reid hates when I put clothes on her.
I keep forgetting that Tara Reid isn’t a person.
What is the urine equivalent of flop sweats? Because i have it.
- Phuong: How gay am i?
- Chelsea: Not as gay as Andrew.
- Me: He likes his cat more than he likes me.
- Chelsea: You like his cat more than you like him.
- Me: I do! And i don't even like his cat.
If i were in charge, i’d bring back the happy face/sad face thing they did back in grade school. They’ll complain that it’s embarrassing and i’ll say, “You think you’re embarrassed…think about how it makes me look as a manager!”