March 2009
54 posts
Exact Same Person Exact Same Person?
All these years i thought Amy Adams was making these movies and then Isla Fisher shows up as a shopaholic. “Who is this person who looks exactly the same?” i thought. Apparently she was in Wedding Crashers.
Bad Eggs
My complex smells like hard boiled eggs. Quite a change from the usual scents of hyacinth and jasmine. Seems like every place i live at eventually gets bitten by the stink bug.
February 2009
40 posts
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Outed (via Twitter)
mattymatt: Have just discovered that people have been using Twitter to send messages to me for weeks now, and I don't know what half of them mean.
phuongmai: @mattymatt What about your Manhunt profile?
mattymatt: I am not going to check my Manhunt profile at work.
mattymatt: Uh ... that probably should have been a DM to @phuongmai instead of a general message to the entire world.
(3 hours later)
mattymatt: Ack. To answer yr questions, I made Manhunt profile w/Photoshopped deformities to see how people would respond. There. http://is.gd/lajR
phuongmai: @mattymatt Sorry i outed you.
(FYI, mattymatt is a proprietor of stop8.org—he is nowhere near not out.)
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Illiteracy. Part II
To the guy wanting to look at my spare room for rent: When i say call, please call. When i say between 5:30 and 7, i do not mean 7:45. Do not try my locks—that’s more than a little creepy. My instructions are not difficult to follow.
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“Ron notes that getting laid is good, and getting off is good, but getting laid...”
– Ron, from his Facebook status.
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Now Do This →
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by W. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North,...
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Illiteracy. Part I
NB: When replying to an ad i post, read it for the information i provide before asking me to provide that information that you didn’t read.
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The cat's not crazy
Chelsea: Do you think the cat is crazy?
Me: No, he hasn't mauled anyone. Why would he be crazy?
Chelsea: Why would he be in the tub?
Me: [Silence]
Chelsea: Thus, i reiterate my statement.
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“If i wrote a memoir about every time i got drunk, tonight’s would go:...”
– Me, after passing out on the couch sitting up with Chelsea
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Second Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational →
Part of me wishes that i were going here instead of Santa Cruz.
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Since when is it okay to be 35 and still living in your parents’ basement? I’m looking at you, Bruce Wayne.
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Ass pocket-dialed!
Me: How long have you been in relationship?
Gabriel: About 4 weeks.
Me: What? Is that when i ass-dialed you?
Gabriel: Haha, YES. That was our first date.
Me: Hahahaha
Gabriel: You were cockblockin!
Me: My ass was. It has superpowers. IT KNOWS.
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Things we do out of love
Me: i wish kat were silently in the background of all our conversations.
Chelsea: occasionally busting into her laughter. sometimes, if she laughs really hard she snorts a little
Me: and then wheezing
Chelsea: YES
Me: oh god i miss her
Chelsea: we are going to wreck her party
The office dog just came by to fart at us. I think i’m going to take a short break while the air clears.
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“lol. i just got a spam message with the subject: McCane died of heart stroke”
– Anna Chew
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The Typographic Desk Reference →
WANT.
gravitywins:
Hot off the presses and ordered with a quickness.
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“god rap is so great… such intelligent and meaningful music… such...”
– Coworker, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of having caps popped in her ass
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Petzal: The Rules of Gunfighting →
1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another...
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Welsh Corgis v. Dachshunds
Me: They look like full-sized dogs but their legs are this long! [Indicating short leg size with fingers.] If you're going to have legs, make them regular-sized.
Jen: Well, what about dachshunds?
Me: They're cute so they don't count.
Jen: What? You're biased.
Me: They're wiener dogs!
Jen: You're biased because you like wieners!
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EWE ASS
Kat: this is how much ew that is: http://www.craggfarm.com/pictures/ewe_lambs.jpg
Me: what's with the chitty resolution?
Kat: i dont know dude
Kat: dont be an ass
Me: http://staywithdonbosco.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/donkey-2.jpg
Kat: HAHA!
Kat: WIN
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“I want to make someone apologize for something they did in one of my dreams....”
– Chelsea Kibler
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This Is Why You're Fat →
I had originally posted an image along with this, but it’s too disgusting. I spent a good 10 minutes laughing at this at work.
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“doing anything for v d day?”
– Kat Downward, asking her dad
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cubee craft →
